2 years...

...13 hours, and about 10 minutes, give or take 5.

christine talked about her VP sharing a moment with her...well, when they first hired me again (for the last time), we also had a talk in her office. i think we were talking about how she wanted me to work a month or two sooner than i did (which was in like january-february), but my excuse was that i needed some down time before started working...more like i just didn't feel like doing much of anything after my mom died. then the VP started talking about her mom, how that even tho she died so long ago, she still thinks about her all the time. so of course, she starts tearing up, and i start tearing up, and we decide to go back to work.

it's hard. i'm sure everyone knows that much. some days are easier than the others...others, i just cry. most of the time, i try to choke back the tears, willing myself not to cry at an inappropriate moment...and it's come to the point where i don't want to be that drunk emotional girl either, because i've already done that about 3 times. i can no longer repress/suppress my emotions...which i used to be SOOO good at. i was like number one at it, after my stint as crybaby. but now...i know i can never be like that ever again.

that's why i play computer/video games, read books, watch selected tv/movies...most of the time, especially when playing games, i don't think about anything else but what i'm directing or beating up. when i have time to just sit and think, it'll happen. it'll creep up on me when i watch tv or a movie. it'll be a sentence in a book. and my eyes will sting while tears well up.

i know i'll never truly get over this. that's fine. it's something i've come to understand and accept. and there will be regrets of past and future, but it's nothing i can change, because she can't be there.

it sucks to be the youngest.

well, i hope that whoever is reading this appreciates and loves their mom. time is a precious thing...make the most of it.

she was, and maybe always will be, the greatest woman i'll ever know. love you mommy!