just know, everything happens for a reason whether by God's will or through the choices we've made. and that's how i'll start out.

mafa weekend was awesome. it was a good conference to end my conference experiences, cuz God knows i prolly won't be goin to any more of them. there were 6 cars that left friday, all leaving at different times. i was in sharone's car-o-fun for the whole weekend, with jay, nessa and thara. we left later than the majority of the group. so we drove nonstop to columbus fer about 4.5 hours. it was SOOOOOOOOOOO fun! too bad we didn't have the video camera at the time! we were singin to all these great new wave songs (bad boys blue, miguel reyes, erasure...)...but the highlight of the ride was callin up juvy in tin's car...and we all busted out "I'm Still in Love with Juvs [you]" for juvy, but homegurl just hung up on us after like 20 seconds! and when we call back, jonjon said she was sleepin! ugh! hehehe...all good tho. later, juvy told us that all she heard was a lot of noise. MAYN! well at least we sung our hearts out to her hahahaha. :) to keep this relatively short, we got in at about 9:30ish (columbus time), ppl played in the tournaments (b-ball & v-ball), got to our lovely motel that thankfully had a sidedoor, got ready and went to a house party that was PACKED. and you know how i feel about crowds. now if i was drunk or buzzed, it wouldn't matter, but YEAH i was gettin pissed off. but i decided to get with it and drink...thanks for getting it brutha mayn! so i had a good time dancin and drinkin. only buzzed tho, so don't woorie. saturday were the workshops...props to osu, they brought in some tite speakers. melissa howard from real world new orleans was there. i didn't go to her workshop tho, cuz i knew that everyone n their mamas would be in there. but yeah! it was good! minus the downpour of rain, but at least i wasn't in it. after the v-show (props to all the performers...good job!), we all went home to get ready, when i notice we have one more person! marlo came! :) so now there was 28 of us, 7 cars. so we preset...and i drank a beer, had some wine, and then i had to chug a whole bottle of beer cuz everyone was already walkin out the door...hehehe. the club where the party was at, redzone, was dope, but kinda far...hahaha...well anyways, i got drunk, but not wasted, mind you. :) i had a real great time. i danced with like 3 guys from 3 other schools, and i didn't know one of them. hahahahaha...GOOD TIMES...i recommend to all the drinkers out there to have a jaeger bomb (drop a shot of jaegarmeister into a cup of redbull). it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD. seriously. hehehe. i was good for the nite. and i had a whole lotta fun. lemme tell you, there were some dope ass quotes at good ol' mafa...but before i give some of sharone's best quotes of the weekend, just be wary of ms. delatorre. she's a cockblock!!! ;) yeahyeahyeah!

::SHARONE'S QUOTES::
-it won't fit in the hole!
-pj, just pull it out.
-i know how to put it in! i know how to put it in!
-jay, i don't care. you're like one of my best friends...you're like one of my brothers.
-you wanna see it, go right ahead
-my shirt was over my ... area

::miscellaneous MAFA quotes::
-i saw sharon's full leg! -jay
-the no-no zone -nessa and thara
-i'm salivating -nessa
-fuckin' thara -nessa
-it's a puppy...mmmhahahaha -ading jerome

so sunday...we woke up at around 9/9:30 so we could all get outta there by 11 for check out. plus, we all decided that we'd go to the farewell thingy. so we stopped by fer an hour, said our goodbyes, and took one last group pic, then left at around noon. john left earlier than the rest of us, so joe led, followed by sharone's car, paolo, pj, tin and marlo. the car ride was goin real well...we were doin about 80 down the left lane of a 3 lane highway, and it was sunny out and the roads were clear. then all of the sudden out of nowhere, joe's car started kickin back snow into sharone's windshield...it seriously looked like a frickin blizzard. then we noticed that there was alot of snow on the ground...and sharone was having a tough time tryin to get control of the car...but the snow underneath was just too much...... the last thing i saw was the snow coming at the windshield...then i closed my eyes, as i thought "FUCK." the last thing i remember hearing was sharone, apologizing for not being able to take control of the car. if there was music playing, i didn't hear it...not that there was any deafening noise, but there was only excruciating silence. that was the worst silence i've heard in my life. i heard nothing, saw nothing, thought nothing... i could only feel... feel the car spinning what i would later learn was about 540 degrees... feel the car being flung backward... feel us slide down into the ditch backwards to a stop... feel my heart beat again... it happened so fast, yet agonizingly slow at the same time. but i never thought of a single thing during that whole time. i didn't think of the "what if's", i didn't think of who would be angry or upset, i didn't think or realize that we weren't colliding into any other cars, or into the cement median, i even lost the fact that there were four other people in the car with me. i was in a world all by myself, not even waiting for everything to end. all i could do was feel ever instant of it at that moment and nothing else. and then we stopped. i think i was the first to say anything. and all i said was "everyone get out of the car." not 'is everyone ok?' or 'is anyone hurt?' or 'what the fuck was that?!?!?'...all i know is that i needed to get out of the car, and i needed a light. what an asshole i was. i noticed, though i didn't pay attention, that all 7 cars were together again. apparently we caught up with john's car. but all i knew was that i needed to get away from everyone, or the water works would start flowin. one of my first non-instinctual thoughts was "thank God for Sharon." tru dat. Thank God for her and her courageous lil champagne camry. i honestly didn't want to be around anyone for a lil while. i needed to get it together and calm the fuck down. i already started to wipe away the tears from my eyes. then nik came up to me and asked, "Ate, are you ok?" dang. that was it. every time someone came up to me to see if i was ok and gave me a hug, i started bawling. to make a REAL long story short, po-po came rollin by and got us a tow truck that would arrive quicker than the towing company henson called, who said they'll be there in TWO HOURS. fuckers. but the thing that pissed me off the most was that five minutes later, a plow truck came rollin by and plowed the left lane. fuckers. tow truck came, then we went to steak n shake to get relax and eat a lil. that's when i found out that pj did a 180 after we spun out. fuck mayn. well, steak n shake was still good times tho...chattin in the booth with liss, chris cads n thara...then ness joined us later. then me n thara rode in paolo's car the rest of the time with liss and ryne...and no offense to you awesome people, but i really just wanted to be with nessa, sharone and jay. i don't really know why, but i just did. that's prolly why i slept tho. it passes time. and that's prolly why i'd rather sleep right now.

i'm not as tough as i make myself to be

i'm sure many of you do know that. if anything, you all humor me by acting like you are scared of me. but really, i'm not. i'm sure i can be, but i know that i'm not. i swear, i haven't cried so much over such a long period of time...and it's only tuesday. don't take this wrong, but i'm scared to see mafa peeps. i'm afraid that i just might fly into your arms and start crying. just bawl my eyes out. shoot, that's why i didn't go to class today, my eyes are too daym puffy and i'm too embarrassed to walk out the door. but yah...i honestly love my mafa peeps...you guys are the best. the love and concern i felt that day was amazing. the warmth from each hug was heartbreakingly comforting...and i'm not talkin about that it was cold outside and i was cold. shit, i didn't even feel the cold. i didn't even want to sit inside the car when the cop told us too. i just needed to stand outside...even just sit outside in the snow. and breath. feel each breath escape and come back to me. feel the smoke move in my lungs. feel the sting of my weather cold tears on my face. feel the wind...just feel everything.

obviously i have a new appreciation of life

i didn't really want to think anymore sunday nite, even monday. but i had a good talk...and a good cry again. hehehe. but she helped me to realize things i already knew. she made me realize that i just wanted to call up almost everyone that has come in and out of my life and tell them that for that time, i truly did love them as my friend. and heck, i may still even today. i realized that i truly wish i could tell my parents and apologize for being a complete ass about not telling them i went. that was the second thing i thought of...how ashamed i was not to tell my parents...and how selfish i would be to just leave them without saying goodbye...and how devastated and depressed they would be if something would have happened. MAYN. but no matter how i feel, i know i can't tell them. my parents have been through a lot already, and they don't need this. besides, i don't think they'd understand the things i need to do...that i need to be happy, and i'm happy here wut i'm doing. but that doesn't mean that it kills me not to share. all i know is that we're all lucky lil bitches.

this was my hs song...and as i heard it while riding in paolo's car, i was thinking of all of the people that have gone in and out all through my life...especially the friends that i've lost touch with from high school. for now, it goes out to all the peeps that came to mafa...ahds, tin, juvs, johnboy, paul, pj, anak, bata, ading jerome, topher, henson, melissa, joe, nik, paolo, marlo, juanjuan, blur, ryne, alex, chris cads, christine, annabelle: thank you all so much.

..:sharone:.. you're my hero. that's all i can really say, cuz i can't find any of the words anymore...thank you for you. :)
..:jota:.. you're such a funny and great guy...i hope you know that and hold on to that. thanks for listening to me when i needed to talk about stuff... :)
..:hija:..oh ness...thank you for being strong in front of me. i'ze gotz luv fer mah homegurl! ;)
..:lil girl:..darling ko, my little girl...who would have thought i'd be so close to a freshie. but here we are...and i care for you as much as, or even more than the friends i've made here 4 years ago. just know that, i will be there for you.

james taylor - you've got a friend
When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand
and nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
and you know whereever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
all you have to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
and soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

so everything happens for a reason. i don't know wut it could be...i can only imagine...make up my own lil scenarios that ease my mind. it could be anything, everything and nothing. and that's fine. i know i'll be thinking about this for a while, but that's ok. i can live with that. fair trade-off, right? and soon, i'll be calling people just to hear their voices, laughing a lot more wholeheartedly, and crying more deeply. but that's ok. i don't mind it one bit. and I DO NOT REGRET any one thing that has happened this past weekend. i'll treasure every second of every moment.

it took me about 2.5 days to write this...to finish it...to get the balls to post/publish this. maybe subconsciously i've been putting it off, but prolly added to that, i knew that i wanted to say a hell of a lot more, but i can't put it into words anymore. well isn't that funny...this things fuckin long as hell...hehehe. hey, if you read this all, thanks. and i'll talk to you soon. :)

payce.