i wanna be happy, but i don't even know how.

yeah, it's sad. i'm at a certain point in my life where most of you, my friends, are...i've just graduated from college, i'm job searching even tho i DO have a great paying job (for something i believe i am not even qualified for, therefore making it a great paying job), and i don't even know exactly wut i'm looking for, or if i'm even ready for it...i'm lost even tho i'm not too sure how i got lost...

well, there's always that constant. boys are dumb (& dense). soorie guys, but that's what i've been seein lately. i've learned to hope but not to expect...but sometimes things just stay on your mind long enough that hope and expectation start holding hands...while i'm holding none. oh poor sad fata. wutever. "it'll happen when you least expect it." that's bullshit. there will always be a part of me that hopes and expects something. "when it happens to you, it'll be so great." damn str8 it better be great. i should get that in a guarantee. but i've come to accept this...i think. i may not like my current status, but i've been used to this now for a long time...

...and then there are the things we didn't expect to happen, that makes life 10 times worse.

last year, i went to 2 funerals. in the span of 5 months. that's 2 in the span of half a year. that really sucks. neither were expected. that sucks too. for both of them, i feel that i didn't know alot about them, just enough. but really, that wasn't enough. well at least with my mom i should have known more.

yeah, i'm still not done crying (in the general sense...i'm at work, and there's no crying at work!:P). i don't expect myself to be finished any time soon. it'll lessen, i'm sure. but it'll never go away. i wasn't ever told that by anyone, i just came to that realization.

see, i know that i AM lucky. yes, i'm lucky to have at least known my mommy till i was older, not having her die when i was young...i know that i'm lucky to have a supportive family, i'm lucky to have such great friends...but still. if some of you are thinking, 'wow, she's suck a spoiled lil brat! she's got a good life, a home, blahblahblah...' well fuck you. this is my life. i know i have all these things. that's why i feel guilty, too, fuckers. but when any of you assholes out there lose a mom too, then you can come n talk to me. yeah, i'm an angry person too. lot's of people know that already.

well anyways, i have come to a point in my life, as some of my friends have as well, where i just wanna get wasted. i mean, get wasted drunk off my ass. tho this sounds like a similar attitude that college people have, this is actually totally different. i've had that college feeling then, so i know the difference. then, it was all about partying with your friends, knowing that your parents would get so mad, having good times, impressing people...something like that. it's associated with already being in a good mood. the mood i'm in, well, i've never been an alcoholic or have ever known one, but this feeling actually may be close. but not that close. this feeling may be associated with looking for those good times...being lost and looking for something familiar again.

and i come back to not knowing how to be happy. i think i was happy then...in the cocoon of chambana. the comfort of having my family 200 miles away (far, yet still in touch), and my friends a mere 5 minutes. now, my immediate family is spread out...it's quiet at home...my friends are 20min - 2.5hrs away...i'm no longer in a happy lil bubble...

and i know this is life. in a sense i guess. well, we're just scratching the surface here. i'll prolly write more concerning this in like a week or 2.

one more thing...hope brings me to the conclusion that i will be happy again in the future. expectation makes me sad that it's not now.