blah.

well, ...yeah.

a lot has happened! claudine n dan's wedding was awesome! had some interesting/funny hitches in there, but that's what makes the day memorable, right? it was good times! :D

benji is big! and i am one of his ninangs (godmothers)! i get to help lead him through a life in catholicism. sweet. ;) hey, i DO always get 100% when christine has bible trivia. i have no clue why, but i do ;). i suppose it's the 12 years of catholic school that did it to me.

my cousin had another kid! welcome to bocaj (jacob)! good luck to you kiddo ;) and kenzo, my other cousins' kid, can walk! oh man. good luck to my cousins in chasing him around. HA. ;P

and i am now officially boring. i barely go out, and when i do, i feel old. and i have to sleep early (which i hate to do) because i have work in the morning. i think the only i regret about my job is that i have to work most weekends. but i suppose i do get a differential...and i have fun when i'm there. but i guess it's just not the usual fun i have during the weekends...

and again, i am lost. in life. well, i guess it's more of a continuation, since i never really found my niche. mediocrity sucks hard core monkey balls. yes, i believe myself to be mediocre in all things. i don't know what i'm good at. i think that's what's bothering me. i'm just ok at a lot of things. and i HATE being all sulky wah wah here, but i've been a pessimist for some time now. ah well. and then, there's the guy thing. ughhhhhhhh. i'm just about to give up. tell me how to stop thinking about someone who's no good for me, ok? why am i holding on? ...i don't have enough distractions.

i just don't know anymore.

and can i just say that even womanhood has gotten worse?!?!?!? apparently, this happens, yet no one decided to tell me this. damn cramps. buwahahaha. sorry to any guys that read that. hahahaha. that makes me laugh. :D

well, i try to be positive, but i can't help it. i used to be able to see all the good stuff...and then i just got more and more cynical. the good stuff gets drowned by the bad. i really do feel like life just took a huge crap on me. because if i'm not playing games, on the computer, cleaning luscious, watching tv...my thoughts just hurt.

i have a good job to be grateful for, my family...especially for benji now...i have luscious (and i guess ewok too ;P), and i have great friends...... but somehow, all the good stuff got tainted...the major things in my life that kept me sane got tainted...and i can't fix it. or maybe i'm too exhausted to fix it. i do believe that i'm emotionally exhausted. but i suppose everyone is.

so now you know why i'm glued to the tv/ps2/computer or going out. thinking bad. drinking good ;). actually, you'd all be suprised to know that i can't handle my liquor like i used to. ha. damn. ah well. so don't worry, it's not like i'm a pro-drinker anymore.

now? i just have to figure it out. somehow. don't get mad. i know what my problem is. i know my weaknesses...my faults...i made sure to know them so that i wouldn't be too surprised if someone pointed them out to me :). i just need to find my own way around them...or better yet, overcome them.

it'll happen.

so here's a song for you! Everyday, by Toby Lightman. i love her!

Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say
And what I should keep to myself
And the words that manage to leave my lips
Don't hurt me, but they hurt everyone else

So I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
When the smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains is me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens everyday

Everyday is a battle between what I wanna know
And what I don't wanna figure out
And everything in between in these thoughts of mine
That you know I can't live with out

And I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
When the smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains is me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens everyday

But I'll see better when the smoke clears
When the smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains is me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens everyday

peace out yo.